I sometimes write my posts early and schedule them to post so I can be sure on days when I'm busy I still get a post done. Today that happened. This post was written at almost midnight on 4/3/14. And I am sad. There is really no particular, specific reason for this. And it came out of nowhere. But it's definitely real. I have been working to be positive and it really helps more than I can express. But it surely doesn't mean I'm always happy. The more I think of it, the more I realize I'm not at a place where I want to be in my life. I'm making steps to fix that, but it doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. And a lot of effort. There are so many things I want to happen and for various reasons they're not happening. I don't have enough money. I don't have the support. I am worried about what other people will think. I feel like I'm being held back by some people/circumstances and feel selfish for thinking that. I love my family and put so much of my happiness in them, which isn't fair for me or them. I struggle with how to portray my feelings to others. I don't want to be clingy. And I don't want to be distant. I get lonely, but I like my alone time. I give everyone so much power over me. Things people say to me sometimes REALLY get to me. It makes me question myself and I already am unsure of everything. Life is confusing.
I'm glad I'm making positive steps to better myself, but at the same time, I'm angry things aren't just going to happen and realistically may never happen the way I want them to. I have spent so much time waiting and wishing my life away to better times, but they don't just happen. And in my personal life, seeing my grandparents and parents getting older and things are changing, while I'm pretty much staying the same. Stuck in this situation. It makes me just want to cry. I'm not a kid anymore. Things aren't all fun. I have to do things I don't want. I have to take care of myself. And I feel unable- or unready- to and that makes me feel less than. At my age, I SHOULD be. But who dictates that? I have conflicted views of what I want my future to look like and my inability to decide leads to NO progress. I just feel glum. And I can shake the feeling. Rant over. Back to pandora, which is playing a whole lotta sad music for a 90's station.
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