Forever Alone?!

This is a deep one. Seems to be a trend lately :P But I think it's fitting the day before a holiday that makes single people feel miserable (this can't be JUST me. the older I get, the more spending Valentine's day alone is depressing. But most of the other days of the year I don't mind)

We are made to believe to live happily ever after we need to find love and get married. I'm not knocking the idea. Part of me still wants to find someone who I can enjoy and experience life with and all that romantic crap. But I don't think what we're made to believe in is reality. Life isn't perfect. Things happen that you can't control. Marriage takes work. It's not that simple. That I can be sure of without having any experience in being married or being in a serious relationship. And part of me doesn't think that life is for everybody and we shouldn't be pressured into it. I am conflicted, I admit. I definitely don't feel I need a boyfriend/husband to be happy. I can take care of myself and find happiness without someone else. But I also don't want to be a spinster that sits alone with her cats all day.

I've seen many dysfunctional relationships and I never want to be someone who is in a relationship or with someone for the wrong reasons. I worry that the longer I go without being in a relationship, the more awkward I will be when I finally do get into a relationship. And my inexperience may not do well in a "grown up" relationship. I feel like not many people would be patient with me and let me figure things out as they happen. I don't want pressure or expectations. How do you thrive in a situation you're so far behind the other person? And who would even understand where I'm coming from? And I don't want a guy in the same situation as me. I want someone who has themselves more together than me.

It's not easy to find guys around here. I had NO luck in college. Probably because I lived off campus so wasn't very involved in campus life and was pretty shy in class. I don't approach guys at all. I feel like I shouldn't have to. And I am not into people unless I know quite a lot about them. I'm into personality and character. I don't go to bars and don't want the kind of guys that do. My jobs have never proved helpful in that field. I don't like socializing with people I don't know and am just socially awkward. I feel like trying and seeking out guys is not for me. I'm not desperate. If it happens, it happens. If it's right, it will work out.

I also don't want to settle and feel like the caliber of guys I can get are not the guys I would want. I'd rather be picky and alone than settle for less than what I want. But at the end of it all, I feel like I'm not ready. If I was, I wouldn't be single right now. And I HATE that I am made to feel bad or weird about the fact that I am single. BY CHOICE.