Things I Want to Learn

This is my completely random list of things I want to learn.

1) How to shoot a gun (for self-defense and just badassness)
2) Retake up archery and become a good/accurate shot (took it in high school gym class & loved it)
3) Piano (I taught myself some songs when I was like 13, but I want to really learn)
4) Speak Fluent French (I took it all through high school, but am not fluent)
5) How to swim better (I never had lessons, I have bad ears so I avoid it most times, & want to be better)
6) Write well & fast with my left hand (I'm a righty, but always wanted to be able to use both hands)
7) Fluent sign language (I know a decent amount, but want to be able to fully have conversations)
8) Write a book (I have started several, but never stick to them)
9) Paint/Draw better (I have improved my drawing quite a bit, but still could use practice)
10) Be a better chef/baker (I am learned a lot over the years, but still want to learn more. I CANNOT master the milkshake)
11) Do cool hairstyles (I am getting better, but I want to learn to french braid better...I'm halfway there...and other cool braids and styles)
12) How to make jewelry (I suck at this & can never get knots or techniques right)
13) How to knit or crochet (I've always wanted to make a blanket)
14) How to pick a lock (I watch a lot of crime shows, it looks cool)
15) How to drive stick (random, but I want to learn how)
16) How to dance (I have NO rhythm. I can do choreographed things...at least I used to be able to. Now I'm basically too embarrassed to try)
17) Be a good singer (I would love to take voice lessons & be really good at singing!)
18) Know all the presidents in order (I just think this would be cool. I started this once in 8th grade and was making progress but didn't continue it)
19) Knowing all the states on the US map/where they are (I had to do this is 4th grade and I since forgot and mix up a lot of the southern and eastern states. I just think it would be educated to know)

Hopefully putting these out there will encourage me to finally do them all. I encourage anyone reading this to write down and tackle some of their goals too!

Repressing Memories & Insanity?

So I'm sure most people have heard about therapy that is supposed to bring repressed memories to the surface. I tend to not think a lot about it because I really don't think I experienced anything in my life bad enough that my mind chose to forget it. But what if we didn't know we did? Like Scully getting abducted by aliens and not remembering it until tiny parts leak through her memory? #xfilesreference  And if you think about it, how much of your childhood do you remember? Certainly not much, if any, of the first few years. My first memory is probably when I was 4 and it is not very vivid. Otherwise, I only remember small bits and pieces of my childhood. Not that I think anything bad happened. I had a good childhood. But in a world where you can't really be sure of anything, it's scary to think of the possibilities.

Which also brings me to the thought of sanity altogether. Does questioning your sanity mean that you are sane just because you are aware enough to wonder? Do insane people know they're insane? Do they think they're normal? Sometimes I feel like questioning it at all gives you at least some level of sanity. But at the same time, if you are concerned and worried you are doing or thinking things you aren't supposed to, there is some level of sanity not there. Our brains are powerful. Sometimes I wonder if people (even myself) could be imagining a situation drastically different than the way it really is. You see movies like "Shutter Island" , "The Others", and "The Uninvited". People can make whole worlds for themselves in their heads. It's kind of scary to think about. How would you even know?


"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?" - Albert Einstein


The fact that we use our brains to learn about our brains always freaked me out. It's like why would something that controls every aspect of us let us learn all its' secrets? It really makes me think.

My Obsession With the X-Files

So "Supernatural" has been on a break the last couple weeks (it's finally back!), so I decided I needed something else to obsess on. Before I got into "Supernatural", I was watching "The X-Files", but left it behind when I discovered the Winchester boys. I was on season 1 and had no time for it. So I decided to get back into it, and now am on season 3. I may or may not have watched 8 episodes in one day. Thanks Netflix. Here are my current observations about the show.

1) I'm 20 years too late. This show was made in 1993. I was 3. Basically my parents were the age I am now when this show was on. Which is kinda weird. It obviously is outdated in a lot of regards. (The cell phones and computers LOL) But it still is super relevant. The fact that these issues were being raised 20 years ago is awesome to me as someone so interested in the possibility of these things. A lot of the same themes and issues are in the more modern day shows I watch and love, such as "Supernatural" and "Fringe" so I do think it was a pioneer of its' time. I'm also quite sure that if I were watching this when it was first on, I would have a crush on Mulder. But knowing he is older than my dad in real life now really ruins it. And my mom told me he is a sex addict. Is that true? #liferuined

2) I ship the heck out of Mulder and Scully. I don't want it ruined for me- as in spoilers (20 years later and I'm asking for no spoilers haha)- but I want them to date. I hope they do. The sexual tension is real. Seriously, if the internet was then what it is today, there would be tumblr posts and fan fic about them no doubt. What would their shit name be? Mully?

3) Why is Scully so freakin skeptical? STILL? I honestly want to kick her sometimes. After ALL she has seen, the fact that she still always wants scientific evidence drives me nuts. I am much more like Mulder. (If anyone wants to remake the show, I will gladly be a female Mulder) If I were Scully, I wouldn't keep questioning everything. What more evidence do you need, girl?!

4) The fact that the government has so much control over the information and that that could literally happen/be happening freaks me out. I have absolutely no doubt there is stuff they keep from us, but to what level? I do believe in other life, but I'm really hesitant to believe they're little green men. I've said it before & I'll say it again, C-H-I-C-K-E-N, I like Chiiiiiiiiiicken (Remember when the mom sang that on Pepper Ann? I should blog at 4 am) Where I was going with this is, I think "aliens" look like us. Which would be so much easier to hide from us, too.

Also, the creepy mountain office where they stored super detailed files of abductees is disturbing. What if they did that with everybody? We wouldn't know. They could have all our info and DNA samples saved and we would really never know.

5) I'm not sure if I trust Skinner at this point. But the guy that chain smokes really grinds my gears (Family Guy, anyone?) And I seriously smell smoke every time I see him with a cigarette. It's psychological obviously, but I really hate the smell of cigarettes. Disgusting. SPOILER (if 20 years later still counts) And that Mulder's dad was in on the experiments and CHOSE Samantha to get abducted makes me SO mad. How do you do that to your kid? I hope she's still alive. The episode where they pretended to be her also made me mad. Mulder devoted his whole LIFE to finding the truth and the whole time his dad knew and was semi-responsible. How would neither of his parents told him by now?

I know this show is probably too old for a lot of people my age and younger, but I cannot stop watching. It gives me so much to think about and that's something I really like it a show. Plus, I think it is cool to see their theories and take on things of this nature from 20 years ago. Also, this means you can probably expect a lot of posts inspired by things I've seen in the show.

Irrational Fears

So I cannot be the only one who has irrational fears. I mean irrational in the sense that they are super unlikely to ever happen. Not necessarily that they can't. One of my irrational fears is something that I've seen in many tv shows and movies. I've even had dreams about it, which when you find out what the fear is makes it more creepy. I kid you not I have had panic attacks about this in the past. You know astral projection? It's basically when you leave your body and are almost in between life-and-death place.  Initially the idea of this seemed really cool and interesting to me. I did a little research on it, and of course if you're a "Supernatural" obsessed fan girl fan like me, you would know the episode where Dean leaves his body after the car accident and Sam communicates with him through a Quiji board and his dad makes a deal with Azazel to save him. (Wow, those days seem so much simpler compared to all they've been through now) Anyway, I am unnaturally afraid that I will leave my body and not be able to return to it. It's not like I try to leave my body, and I certainly don't think I've ever experienced it, but it really freaks me out. Anyone else have a strange fear of something? (Please share and make me feel better about myself :P)

Steph Reviews: Bates Motel

So my sister and I decided to watch Bates Motel on Netflix. We NEVER agree on shows so this was monumental. I had seen some episodes and wanted to catch up before the new season, even though we don't have cable so that doesn't make sense. There are only 10 episodes of season one, so we watched 8 in one setting (it's netflix guys, don't judge) and 2 the next day (because we have restraint). Turns out I had seen them all, just not in order so it didn't make sense. Now it does.

If you haven't seen or heard of the show, the premise is a mom and her teenage son, Norman, move to a new town after the dad dies to run a motel. We soon learn things are a little more sinister than they seem. And they just keep getting worse. Each episode leaves you wanting more, that's for sure. Really suspenseful and at times complicated to keep up with. But it's eerie and creepy in a good way. I definitely wouldn't call it scary, but maybe for some people who aren't into that sort of stuff.

I don't really know anything about the movie Psycho, but apparently the main character (Norman) is a serial killer in it. So this is portraying his earlier life before that movie took place. Knowing that bit of information makes it hard for me to focus on the show. You see this young boy who seems to have a lot of unnecessary struggles in his life (a strange mom who seems way too attached to him at times to name one) and you feel bad for him. Knowing he is going to turn into a serial killer makes me angry. Like I want to find a way for him to be saved before that happens.

SPOILERS- READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently that will not happen because the season finale showed his teacher murdered and him having blacked out not remembering it. This isn't the first time he blacked out and did something bad, either. Earlier in the season, we learn he was responsible for his dad's death.

The whole Abernathy situation is strange to me. Not that we have to worry about that much anymore since he is now dead. And why are all the cops in town corrupt? Bradley is a whore bad person and I don't like that Dylan is hanging around her. I kind of hope she becomes one of Norman's victims and I don't know why. I feel bad for Emma. Her dad is awesome, though. She likes Norman so much and he just doesn't seem interested. Maybe she'll go with Gunner. I mean, he did give her a pot cupcake, which seems to be a nice gesture for a stoner. I wouldn't know.

And what ever happened to that Chinese girl who escaped? They didn't touch on it after Shelby ran after her trying to shoot her. I'll assume she's dead, but did they find her body/what did they with her? If Ramaro is in on it, how will that play out?

And aren't killers supposed to like killing animals? He was very upset when the dog died. But he did keep it taxidermied in his room, which is really fricken weird. I grew up around taxidermy and think it's cool, but not with a pet. That's WAY too far.

Norma is just weird. I didn't realize it when I was watching out of order, but when I rewatched, I began alarmed. And that takes a lot for me. I'm not sure if she's crazy, too, or that's just how she is viewed. She definitely seems to have an abnormal obsession with her son. And the fact that she is so closed to him getting any kind of help is weird. I don't know if she is lying about her past or what her deal is, but I think she will only further aggravate Norman's condition.

I like Dylan overall, but wonder what the new season will bring for him. I feel like he wants to help Norman, but at the same time doesn't want to make things worse because of what Norma divulged to him so might just leave him alone. He has pushed with some issues and has seen some of Norman's weird behavior, but what could he really do? I'd like more background info on him. He seems to have a really bad relationship with his mom and she didn't seem to care about him until he was useful to her.

And how will Norman not be accused of his teacher's death? Cause fingerprints are a thing. Unless Ramaro does something with them. I mean, Norma does know a lot about him and did witness him kill Abernathy.

It would be best for them to move. That town has brought them nothing but trouble. Not that the town is the issue, but they would be best to start over. But I don't think that will be happening. Trouble will undoubtedly follow them anywhere, but I think they're gonna stick around to stew in this steaming pot of garbage they've cooked up for themselves.

END SPOILERS

It's definitely interesting. It's not one of the shows I'd do anything to not miss an episode. But I do enjoy watching where the story line goes. Especially when it's available to stream instantly. Netflix is really a beautiful thing.

"I don't eat anything with a face!"

A lot of hype is focused on eating healthier. Raw, vegan, vegetarian, organic, gluten free...you name it. And I'm NOT buying into it. It IS messed up some of the ingredients they put into our food. That's true. But we can eat the food around us without going to the extreme.

My biggest problem with all the hype is there is NO way in the world I would ever give up meat. Cheeseburgers, BACON, chicken, salmon (according to some is meat. but psh it's healthy guys)...I would never go without those. And dairy. I'm from Wisconsin. I love cheese, milk, butter. We have survived forever on meat. Did our very ancient ancestors live on plants? I think not! When people (ahem, mom) try telling me to stop eating meat, I just want to punch them. How could you give up such a beautiful thing? (People also like to rub their supposed superiority in your face/try to change your eating and it's just annoying)

It's good to limit your amount of unhealthy things. We don't have to eat it constantly Everything in life should be done in moderation. When you can, buy things you know where they're coming from. My dad has chickens and I much prefer their eggs to store bought eggs. You can taste the difference. He buys his beef from a farmer who strictly corn feeds his cattle. There is for sure a difference. In general, they add unnecessary hormones and antibiotics to things you buy in the store. I generally won't eat meat or eggs from the supermarket. That should be regulated, no doubt. Eat homemade whenever you can. You can control what you put in your food then.

I don't have anything against eating healthy, but some foods are just disgusting. (And I'm a grown up and can eat ice cream for breakfast sometimes if I want) My mom likes to add or substitute ingredients and try to trick us into liking them. It NEVER works. Ground turkey makes me want to barf. Chia seeds in my muffins are not acceptable. Almond butter makes me gag. Cauliflower mashed potatoes? Ew. Just give me some yukon golds please. Canned pumpkin is not a valid substitution for oil/eggs in brownies. I don't dislike certain foods because they're "healthy". I just have taste buds and flavor as well as texture matter to me. I can't eat something bad tasting just because it's healthy.

I drink more water daily than the average person, I'm quite sure. And I'm usually pretty good at making sure I don't eat too much when I'm eating something that's not good for me. I very, very rarely get fast food. I drink pop just as rarely. Seriously, all this crap about how we shouldn't be eating half the things we have always eaten drives me nuts.  We're ALL gonna die so just enjoy your life and don't gorge yourself. Unless it's Thanksgiving. Gluttony doesn't count then.

And if you don't eat meat or eat a restricted diet, DON'T act like you're better than everybody else. It makes you come across as a giant douche. #justsaying

Creationism vs. Evolution

I probably wouldn't typically bring this topic up on my own just because it's not something I generally think much about. I am solid in my views and quite frankly don't see the other side as a valid option. Recently Bill Nye (Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill Nye the Science Guy) and creationist Ken Ham had a debate, which I watched on youtube, about creationism versus evolution. Watch here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_04S0fYU7FI

And (big surprise), I have some pretty strong feelings about it. I should probably preface this by telling you I don't believe in any religion. I don't want to attack anyone's beliefs, but I personally do not see any use to put my belief in something that cannot be proven just to make myself feel better about life's unanswered questions. I understand why people believe in religion. What it gives them. I'd just rather accept the life I have and find strength in myself. I've seen enough bad things happen to not believe anyone is watching over me.

Now most of what I know about the bible comes from Supernatural and a Sociology of Religion class I took in college. I'm no expert. But what I know of the bible, does not come across to me as realistic. From what we know of life, these things can't happen. You can't be resurrected from the dead. A virgin cannot become pregnant and birth a child. You can't build a woman out of a man's rib. I'm the first one to say things don't always have to make sense. But there is a difference between things not having answers and things having magical, superhuman explanations.

I don't understand science as much as I'd like to (I want to learn how to time-travel Quinn Mallory style, but physics is NOT my strong suit) But science offers so much more realistic explanations to me than taking the bible as truth. Having faith in your religion doesn't mean you have to be blind to the facts. You can't refute proof that is right in front of you, but I guess some people can.

As I mentioned in a post a couple days ago, science tells us the earth is 4.5 billion years. According to the bible (and Ken Ham), the earth is only 6,000 years old. Ancient trees, fossils, and ice layers also show the earth being older than 6,000 years. These are scientific examples! HOW is that a valid opinion when all the proof we have points to the fact the earth is much, MUCH older? I don't logically understand how somebody can believe that.

Ken Ham pretty much said, if you're a christian and believe in the science that the world is older than the bible states, you are not a good christian. And although I'm not religious, that seems mega harsh. But then he said the bible and science go hand in hand. When asked if the entire bible should be taken literally, he copped out by saying we need to DEFINE the term "literally". Why is it ok to take SOME things as truth and some, as Bill Nye said, as "poetry"? You can't have it both ways. There is just no basis to these creationist claims to me.

Now to me, this really didn't turn out to be an issue of if we evolved from primates or if we were created by God.  It became an issue of: is the bible realistic enough to believe? And it isn't. As far as it comes to how we got here, I don't know anything for sure. Like I have said in other posts, maybe we're not even here at all. We can't be sure. But if we are, there is really no sure way to know how. Through science, we can make the most realistic guess. I'm not positive I believe we evolved from primates. But I 100% do not believe we were created by God. I would more likely believe we just happened. Like the universe is just there, maybe we just appeared. But in my opinion, an all powerful being did not create us.

The Marshall Mathers LP2

I really do have THEEEEEE most random posts. Like from day to day the topics range more than a usual blog. But you should know, I'm not the usual girl.

Today we have one of my favorite artists. Eminem. Yes, so cliche. White girl listening to white guy rap. I have a super varied taste in music and am generally not too picky about what I listen to. I usually will go for pop top 40 stuff or rock. And 90's. That never gets old. #that90slife haha But here's the thing, I have liked him since I was legit in middle school. I'm loyal af! Especially when they still are good. It was cool when he was 28 and all rebellious. He's freaking 40. And STILL killing the rap game. I recently discovered he had a new cd come out in like November and I had to download ASAP. And I have been way impressed.

First of all, on Eminem as a person. I have always admired him. Anyone who comes from a super shitty life and comes out on top is amazing to me. Like the strength that takes is unbelievable. You know there will always be a part of them ruined by that experience, but there's also a part that is stronger than any other person. He reminds me a lot of my dad. Not that my dad's childhood was THAT bad. But my dad could have grown up to be nothing special. But he pushed himself and made a successful life for himself and a great life for me. The strength that must have took is crazy to me. I admire it SO much. Also, you can tell from Eminem's music that he loves his daughter very much. And that is something I also admire. Being a good father isn't required. Loving your kid and LOVING your kid is different. Mockingbird always makes me cry. #truestory And how Eminem grew up without a dad must have been crazy hard, especially as a guy. I wouldn't have turned out like this if I didn't have a dad....and YES, what I turned out as is good. Having been a fan and listening to his music for seriously at least the last 12 years (I shouldn't be old enough to remember listening to anything for 12 years..yikes!), I have seen how he has evolved and changed as he grew up and it is pretty cool to have been able to hear that reflected in his music.

Now on to the new cd. I typically like a select number of songs (like 6 maybe) and don't listen to much else on the cd. But I don't think there was one track I didn't like. They all had good lyrics and told a good message. Yes, I'm aware I'm not the demographic and I can't relate to most of the songs personally, but I really like it. #dontjudgeme

My favorites:

Rhyme Or Reason every time it asks who his dad is and he has a witty answer, I feel so bad for him/proud of him for becoming what he did

So Much Better although a little violent, I really like it...I always get nervous if I'm listening to it loud, people will think I have anger issues LOL

Survival survival of the fittest is real. kill or be killed. harsh truth.

Legacy he makes you feel feelings. imaging him as a lost kid is so sad

Berzerk this one was really popular and I can see why. The most radio-playable song

Rap God the super fast rap is beyond impressive

Brainless "pain in the anus" makes me lol cause I'm mentally 12 hahahahahah but really it shows he escaped his bad situation which is really so hard to actually do

So Far... it has such a catchy tune...well tunes...and it's upbeat & just good. Almost country, but not. The little snippet from The Real Slim Shady is also really catchy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWZANDMHrrA

Love Game a little vulgar if you're young (I can't believe my parents bought me The Eminem Show when I was 12), but hilarious nonetheless.

Headlights the most feeliest of songs. (And Nate Ruess adds a beautiful voice to the track.) He is so much better of a person than me. After EVERY THING his mom has done to him, he loves her and wants to have a relationship and I don't understand how somebody can be that forgiving. I sure wouldn't be. I can't relate fully, but I can relate somewhat, without going into detail, and I would rather cut all ties than deal with it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2LXwPYW0G0

So overall, I would say this is one of his best CD's. Seriously, I have been listening to it on repeat. In my car. On my iPod when I get ready. On the computer when I'm browsing. It's good. I recommend most definitely.

The Truth is Out There

X-files reference FTW! So, if you know me, you probably know I am consumed with the idea that life isn't what we think it is. I'm not sure what it is, but I've heard enough theories to be convinced. (The Matrix, anyone?) If you really think about it, we can't be sure of ANYTHING 100%. And that's kind of creepy. But mostly intriguing. This is not going to be about that, but it will be along those lines. If I haven't mentioned this (which I have to have by now), I love science fiction. Fringe, Supernatural, Dollhouse, Sliders...just to name a few. I have seen every episode of these shows--most more than once---and I am fascinated by these ideas. Now The X-Files is obviously a little older, but it is the basis a lot of modern day shows are built on. I've been watching it lately since I was 3 when it premiered (just got to season 2) and it really makes you think. (But Scully's undying skepticism in the first season was really frustrating) I like to think of it as a more modern X-Files, without the extraterrestrial element. Badass FBI agents investigating things most people wouldn't believe in.

So I want to talk about some of the concepts brought up from this show and mostly the universe in general. Now from my college astronomy class (although it was NOT what I was expecting and was very disappointed...I'm NOT good at science no matter how much it interests me) I learned A LOT about space. Almost to the point where it terrifies me. How small and insignificant we really are. BUT all of what I'm going to say is on the basis that WHAT WE ARE LIVING IS REAL AND WHAT WE THINK IT IS. Which as I stated, I don't believe is the case. But for the sake of this conversation, we will act as though it is. (And ps, I'm not crazy. I think it's SO naive to believe everything we're taught. Not everything CAN be explained. We just like to rationalize everything so we feel better about our lives. And so self-involved to think we're the only people in the universe. Have you seen the size of the universe?!)

Now the way it essentially works is that we can only see as far out as how old our planet is. The whole light year situation. And the farther things in space are, the older back we see them, because it takes so long to get to us. So if someone was on a faraway planet, looking at Earth, they could see it WAY in its' early years. We're talking dinosaurs, here. (Not that we can be sure they ever existed, but I'm getting off track) From what we can see of the universe around us, we can estimate the earth to be 4.5 billion years old. That's the observable universe. And it's a lot more years than we can really even comprehend.

This video shows just how small the earth is in comparison to the universe:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IVqMXPFYwI

It's beyond crazy to me to think about this. As far as we have come with inventions and languages and everything could be SO basic compared to what others in the universe have come up with. There could be people like us (or other intelligent species) that we will NEVER be able to know about because of how far away they could be. It almost gives me anxiety to think about how much we don't and never will know. It kind of makes me feel like nothing I do is important. And in reality, what we do doesn't matter. We will die and eventually nobody will remember us or anything we did.

Don't even get me started about parallel universes. (Which by the way, sciences do believe exist, we just can't get to them. But if that day comes, I'm so game to participate in that experiment)

Back to the universe. It's so possible, and I'd even go as far to say definite, that there is other life somewhere out there in the universe. And we don't have answers. Now I don't want to get into government conspiracies, but I'm certain there are people that know more than the general public. I'm not sure what experiments they do/have done and they probably wouldn't divulge that information anyway, but it's scary to think we may be so uninformed about the universe around us. Even aside from extraterrestrial phenomenon, there's plenty on earth that we don't know about. It makes my brain run wild with all the possibilities. Thinking of all the possible other people out there and how different life could be for them. Different species we never would think of. Or super evolved humans--or even animals. It's fascinating to me.

Sorry if this seems scattered. My mind is going a million miles an hour and I tried to wrangle my thoughts in. But space.. it's a crazy thing.

Valentine's Day

In honor of Valentine's Day (although I totally hate the commercial holiday...well probably because I'm single), I thought it was only necessary to share some Valentine's. And these aren't just ANY valentines...they're supernatural valentines. I opted to keep it fairly clean, because some creative viewers got a little too explicit (and i'm NOT a destiel shipper..ya nasties!), but here are some that made me laugh or die of feels. Happy Valentine's Day.

DEAN

that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me! :P

Aww <3

CASTIEL

ok, maybe this one is a little more than PG-13, but

 that's only if you know the reference. Oh, Cas!

hahahaha I bet it is, Cas, I bet it is.

SAM

Aw Sam, but I think you'd love any 

excuse to settle down TBH

Remember this episode? HAHAH

BOBBY

Seriously it's never unacceptable to 

quote Bobby. Ya IDJIT. Balls!

**I didn't make any of these. I just yahoo searched (cause google is overrated!) for "supernatural valentines cards" if anyone wants to check out where these are from or look for more**

Forever Alone?!

This is a deep one. Seems to be a trend lately :P But I think it's fitting the day before a holiday that makes single people feel miserable (this can't be JUST me. the older I get, the more spending Valentine's day alone is depressing. But most of the other days of the year I don't mind)

We are made to believe to live happily ever after we need to find love and get married. I'm not knocking the idea. Part of me still wants to find someone who I can enjoy and experience life with and all that romantic crap. But I don't think what we're made to believe in is reality. Life isn't perfect. Things happen that you can't control. Marriage takes work. It's not that simple. That I can be sure of without having any experience in being married or being in a serious relationship. And part of me doesn't think that life is for everybody and we shouldn't be pressured into it. I am conflicted, I admit. I definitely don't feel I need a boyfriend/husband to be happy. I can take care of myself and find happiness without someone else. But I also don't want to be a spinster that sits alone with her cats all day.

I've seen many dysfunctional relationships and I never want to be someone who is in a relationship or with someone for the wrong reasons. I worry that the longer I go without being in a relationship, the more awkward I will be when I finally do get into a relationship. And my inexperience may not do well in a "grown up" relationship. I feel like not many people would be patient with me and let me figure things out as they happen. I don't want pressure or expectations. How do you thrive in a situation you're so far behind the other person? And who would even understand where I'm coming from? And I don't want a guy in the same situation as me. I want someone who has themselves more together than me.

It's not easy to find guys around here. I had NO luck in college. Probably because I lived off campus so wasn't very involved in campus life and was pretty shy in class. I don't approach guys at all. I feel like I shouldn't have to. And I am not into people unless I know quite a lot about them. I'm into personality and character. I don't go to bars and don't want the kind of guys that do. My jobs have never proved helpful in that field. I don't like socializing with people I don't know and am just socially awkward. I feel like trying and seeking out guys is not for me. I'm not desperate. If it happens, it happens. If it's right, it will work out.

I also don't want to settle and feel like the caliber of guys I can get are not the guys I would want. I'd rather be picky and alone than settle for less than what I want. But at the end of it all, I feel like I'm not ready. If I was, I wouldn't be single right now. And I HATE that I am made to feel bad or weird about the fact that I am single. BY CHOICE.

FIVE?!

My sisters turn 5 today. FIVE! How? I remember impatiently waiting at the hospital for them to be born. Holding them for the first time. Changing my first diaper. Watching them grow teeth and learn to walk and talk. Getting so excited when they held rattles for the first time and said my name the first time. I always wanted more siblings having grown up with only one sibling- my younger sister. We're 3 1/2 years apart. But when I was almost 19, I got 2 perfect new siblings and I can't imagine how I ever lived before they were born. I love them more than absolutely anything. I would give my life for them without hesitation. I am seriously so lucky to be in their life. Watching them grow up and teaching them things and cuddling them and doing fun things with them and seeing the excitement of the world through their eyes has been truly amazing. Being their sister is my favorite role in the world. So today I'm going to keep it short and spend the day with my favorite girls!

You're not perfect...and that's ok

This is going to be a heart-warming, advice giving post. Because I think it's important. And someone reading this may need it. Heck, even I need this pep-talk. So here we go.

You're not perfect. Nobody is. And that's ok. If we were all perfect, we would have some boring lives. The craziness, the times that don't go as planned, they make for great memories. They teach us and help us grow. We need them. I have come to the conclusion that nobody ever has everything together. It's ingrained in us that that's the goal. To want more. To strive for more. To not be happy with what we have because it's never enough. Which sets us all up for failure.

If you don't follow the plan society has laid out for you, you are a failure. And that is not true. We need to spend less time listening to others and more time listening to ourselves. We are the ones that have to live with ourselves. Who have to look in the mirror everyday. We should like what we see.  If you spend your life trying to please people, you're going to let down the most important person...yourself. There's a difference between being selfish and caring about yourself. You don't have to put yourself above everybody else all the time. But there will come times where you HAVE to choose yourself. Where you have to make a decision that displeases people, because it's what's right for you. Even if you fall flat on your face, you will learn. As long as you aren't making reckless decisions and expecting other people to clean up your mess, it is ok to make mistakes. 

Do things your own way. Do what makes you happy. Don't worry about following the "ideal" path society expects of you. That your parents expect of you. You may get to the same point, just take a different path. You may not know where you're going. You may waste time and make mistakes. It may take trial and error to find out what you really want.  Don't let other people bring you down for your mistakes. They make them, too. We ALL do. Whatever you do, is what you should be doing, as long as you're following your heart.

Now I'm not saying make bad decisions and do whatever you want no matter what other people say. I'm saying do what makes you HAPPY. (As long as your happiness doesn't cause anyone justifiable sadness) You don't NEED to go to college, or get a mundane 9-5 job that means nothing to you, or get married, or have kids if you don't want to. Travel the world. Open your own business. Move somewhere and start over. Chase your dreams! Don't let people tell you that you won't succeed. That you're not good enough. You owe it to yourself to TRY. You'll forever wonder "what if" if you don't.

I struggle with this all the time. I have about 10 different ideas in my head of how I want my life to go. And they cannot all exist in the same universe. I can't decide what path to take and I do not have my life together. I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point. And that makes me feel bad. My family pressures me and tries telling me what to do with my life. They get made when I do things they don't approve of. But I NEED to make my own mistakes. I need to figure out what makes me happy, because at the end of the day if I'm not happy, nothing else matters.

So try to have goals. And GO for them. Don't get down on yourself if you screw up. Just pick yourself up and try again. Have faith in yourself. Don't let ANYBODY determine how you feel about yourself. Only you know the whole story. Be the best self you can be, and don't worry about the little things. Know you can do whatever you put your mind to. It will not always be easy, but don't give up.

Celebrity Crushes

This is SO random, but I thought it would be fun. Here are my celebrity crushes, in no particular order. Also, there may be more I'm missing so this list is not exclusive. As you will be able to tell, I have a general type of tall, blue/green eyes, and dark hair. And funniness is necessary. Oddly enough, a lot of these people are WAY older than what I'd typically date.

JENSEN ACKLES

I don't know that much about him as a person, as he seems to be very private, but the character he's known for (Dean Winchester) is perfection. He puts his family before anything, he's super bad ass, he's aggressive, and street smart. From what I've seen in interviews, he's very down to earth and has a great sense of humor. And he's super handsome :)

BRADLEY COOPER

When he's rocking this hair, please. He's attractive. That's apparent. And he can speak French.


DANE COOK

Cute and funny. Super funny. I'm a sucker for funny.

BO BURNHAM

Cute, tall, funny, can sing/play instruments, and SUPER smart. Yes! (And age appropriate LOL)

JOSHUA JACKSON

Yep, typical Steph kinda guy. Tall, dark hair,  light eyes. And I kinda got into him because his character, Peter Bishop, on Fringe.

HARRY STYLES
He has such a pretty face. And some awesome hair. Plus, he has a great voice. (More age appropriate, but a little young!)

Why did the pictures get increasingly smaller? hahahah. But those are the ones I can think of at the moment. Enjoy the eye candy!! :D

A little about me

I make a lot of posts that tend to stay on track, so here's an unstructured one because my mind is all over the place. I try to always make everything make sense. But this time, let's not. Let's go with whatever comes to mind.

I don't like chocolate milk. Only sometimes. I don't like chocolate ice cream. Ever. I don't usually like chocolate cake. But sometimes I do. Silent laughing freaks me out. But when I laugh really hard, I don't make any sounds but a hissing noise. I love stretching my legs. When I am especially anxious, I pop/crack my right shoulder. I don't usually realize it until I'm doing it. For some reason my right shoulder pops easy. So does my left ear. I get very anxious when I don't have control over a situation. I'm obsessed with science fiction, parallel universes, space,  and the general idea that life isn't what we think it is. You can find me thinking and researching possibilities at 2 am. I hate wearing my night retainers, but I do most days anyway. My teeth cost me enough. I want my dentist to be proud of me. It's weird. I water floss every night and never miss a day no matter what. I will do my full makeup over doing anything with my hair any day. Doing my hair annoys me. I wish it looked nice without work. Wearing it in buns gives me headaches. I have a lot of hair. I shed a lot, too. I somehow got in the habit of plucking my leg hair. I try not to, but if I miss some hairs shaving, I do. I would love laser hair removal some day. Shaving is annoying. I also would love lasik. I'm kind of blind. Not near sided or far sided. Astigmatism. So everything is blurry all the time. I'm supposed to wear my glasses, but I rarely do. Unless I HAVE to see like in school or reading. It's then when I realize how blind I am. Seeing is cool. Dirty glasses that never stay clean aren't. Contacts don't work well for me. The ones they gave me kept sliding around and people thought I was rolling my eyes at them. The other pair they gave me clung to my eyeballs. And they're expensive. I don't like wearing pants that aren't pajama pants or sweatpants. It's a bad habit I've gotten into. I drink water like it's going out of style. It's my preferred drink of choice. Next is white milk. Sometimes I get on white milk kicks. I try not to drink much pop ever. But I do like mountain dew, root beer/cream soda, vanilla coke, regular coke...pepsi is disgusting. I literally can't stand it. I like raspberry and lemon ice tea. I love this coconut pineapple water they have at wal-mart. I don't like when people call pop soda. Or when they make fun of people who call it pop. Or when they make fun of the way midwesterners talk. We don't talk different than others. Maybe hicks, but the vast majority of us are not hicks. But I do like cheese. But who doesn't? Cheese is delicious.

I think I'll end it there or else I may end up blabbing on forever. I tend to do that. Except in person I'm pretty shy. Unless I get to know you, then you're like "omg shut up Steph, you are weird" hahah

Pop Culture RECAP

So I don't necessarily pay attentive attention (is that a redundant phrase?) to pop culture. I don't have cable and am not able to watch all of the shows I usually did. I still get local channels so can catch some celeb news shows, but they don't catch my interest. I have twitter and probably find out most on there. And I also have a lot of magazine subscriptions, including US Weekly, so I guess I am fairly in the know. So here are my reactions to some celeb and pop culture gossip that has been in the news lately.

1) JUSTIN BIEBER IS A TRAINWRECK

He seems to be on a downward spiral. Big surprise. Mostly everyone who got famous as a kid and grew up in the spot light and has unlimited money does this. I heard he was thinking of retiring from music to open a tattoo shop with his dad. I don't know how reputable whatever source that came from is, but that would be a good move. I always think if I were ever in a position like that, I would do my job until I didn't enjoy it anymore. He has enough money. He can settle down and do whatever he wants now. Live a life outside of the public eye.

What bothers me is that all his "beliebers"/diehard fans are sticking by him and encouraging him! Nobody should worship anybody and stick through them through bad decisions. That's just ridiculous. If his fans really cared, they would make him own up to his crap and change. That's caring. And where are his parents? I know he's an adult, but reign your kid in, yo.

And why is he so happy in his mugshot? I have seen a lot of mug shots as I'm so interested in the criminal justice system, and check my county jail website frequently to see if I know anyone in jail (haha. I interned at the public defender's office and learned lots of tricks to getting info free and legal) and every time someone is smiling in their mugshot, I think "WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY? YOU  JUST GOT ARRESTED" It comes across as so smug and cocky.



2) BRUCE JENNER IS BECOMING A WOMAN?

I saw a picture on "The Talk" that showed him apparently after his adam's apple reduction surgery, with feminine hair, lip injections, and what appeared to be female breasts growing. (see below) If that is the case, I am surprised. Beyond surprised. From what I've seen of him on the show, I wouldn't expect that at all. But they choose what to show. We can not know the real him at all. I just imagine what his kids must think. I always think that would be the worst thing if my dad decided he wanted to be my mom. I've shared this concern with him, which he has assured me will never happen. And I can't imagine that happening. My dad is as manly as they come. But it's still a scary thought.

To me, the whole idea of switching genders is weird. You can't change your chromosomes. You literally are only changing the obvious parts of yourself that make you a man or woman. If that makes the people that do it happy, good for them. I believe they should be able to do what they want with their bodies, I just don't understand it personally. But if Bruce is going to go through it, it will be a big deal.



3) MILEY CYRUS IS AN ICON?

I saw a quote somewhere where someone told her she wasn't a good role model and she said something along the lines of she wasn't anybody's parents. Great attitude. A big problem with society is that people like her are FAMOUS. For what? Why don't little girls idolize people who have educations and do valuable things for society? That's what I'd like to see. Not being famous for being half naked and twerking. It's not just her. It's a lot of people. But I don't understand why people like her so much. Her "Adore you" music video ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1tzURKYFNs ) is practically porn. Her mom seems to be very supportive of her choices. I just don't understand it. She has been everywhere lately. Stop buying her stuff. Stop giving her attention. Maybe we can get some real role models up in here. SMH.


Anyway those are three big ones right now. What do you think??

Supernatural S9E13 Reaction

I thought it would be easier and quicker to write my reactions to Supernatural instead of filming videos. I will occasionally film a video if the episode is intense or super eventful, but in general I can write up a reaction a lot faster and more thought out. This will have spoilers, just to warn anyone who reads this. I will preface them.

The episode I am reviewing today is the episode that aired Tuesday February 4th, season 9 episode 13, entitled "The Purge". I saw the extended trailer for this episode and was immediately turned off. It looked like a funny concept, but the stereotypical midwesterner accent is so offensive to me. I know Supernatural writers don't mean it offensively and it's all in good fun, but a lot of people seem to think that is how we talk. It makes us seem uneducated, which is not true. I live in Wisconsin, very close to the Minnesota border and have never once heard someone say "dontcha know" or "you betcha" in conversation. We don't talk like that. I think a lot of people would be surprised to see the way we live. It's very similar to other urban areas of the country. But rant over, back to the episode. Sam and Dean were finally working together, although I stand by my previous statements that Sam is being dramatic and a big baby.

*INSERT SAM RANT*

I understand he is upset and tired of dealing with all the pain, but the way he is SO ready to give up makes me mad. Sam has always been the one to run away from conflict (ahem ran away to college) and at the same time, he is so naive and still expects the best from people who turn out to be bad. By this point in the show, we realize this life was chosen for them and there was no escaping it. They both have died countless times only to come back. They have a duty. Dean picks up SO much crap trying to protect Sam and you can just see the pain in his face. But he would NEVER give up. He knows what they're doing is for the better good.

(On a semi-related note, I do like Sam. I have always been more partial to Dean, as I relate to his viewpoints more, but I do like Sam. And Jared is a phenomenal actor who portrays Sam very, very well)

*END SAM RANT* 

I live-tweeted the whole episode, as I have been doing the past few episodes and I absolutely LOVE doing it. The fans of this show are just the best. I had so many mentions and retweets and I kinda felt like a celebrity lol. It is always awesome talking about the show with others who are just as into it as I am. And it DEFINITELY helps get over some of the parts that kick me right in the fan girl feels.

SPOILERS

Onto the episode, it was a good old fashioned episode of the brothers hunting like the early episodes and I enjoyed that. We haven't had an episode like that in awhile. The end, of course, had to stab me in the heart, but we will get to that later. The premise was there was something that was essentially making overweight people lose astronomical amounts of weight which killed them. Like they literally deflated. Sam and Dean go to a weight loss spa to investigate. Sam gets to be a yoga teacher and Dean a cafeteria worker. Sam in shorts and a tank top doing and teaching yoga was pretty fun to watch. And watching Dean serve health food and overdose on poisoned pudding was just as fun. ("Pudding!" anyone, anyone?!")

Through their investigations they learn that one of the founders is some kind of creature with a name very similar to fish taco...pishtaco I think it was?! I will forever refer to them as fish tacos. Holla, Dean. They are parasites, but she found a way to not hurt people by sucking their fat out. Win/win. Well, her brother wasn't following her rules and was sucking too much and killing them. He even killed her husband, who was a normal guy. Then the brother was about to kill Sam when Dean rushed in and ripped off his throat sucker thing and killed him. They're obviously a lot more to the episode than this, but I'm not going to summarize everything. Dean wanted to kill the girl, but Sam didn't want to. OF COURSE. Typical Winchester roles. Sam talked about how he was a monster when he didn't have a soul and Dean wouldn't have liked it if someone would have killed him during that time, so Dean decided to just make her go back to Peru, where she was from.

Now the last 5 minutes, of course, had to hit us where it hurts. Dean confronted Sam about how he saved him- and keeps saving him- and how he should view him as his brother again. Sam went on this heart-killing speech about how Dean only saved him for selfish reasons. Dean said Sam would have done the same thing in his situation (save his life) and Sam said "No, I wouldn't" </3

*INSERT SAM RANT #2*

Fans of the show seem to be either Team Sam or Team Dean and will defend their side to the death. I guess this makes me a Team Dean because I HATE what Sam has become. From the beginning of the show, we see Sam is selfish. He left his family for college, he started hunting again only out of obligation, he didn't try to bring Dean back when he went to HELL to save Sam's life, he didn't look for a way to get him out of purgatory, and he is so quick to throw his life away without thinking about how that would affect others. Sam is the epitome of selfish. Like I can't even comprehend how he became this person. It really is making me start to hate Sam's character. And I hope there is a turning point in this because I don't like what he has become.

Dean is undoubtedly going to be tested and put up against many struggles with this whole mark of Cain thing and I really hope Sam is there to get his back. If we have to rely on Cas because Sam is a bad brother then I don't know what he is even doing here. I really like Jared and the old Sam, but I don't want to continue to see selfish, whiney Sam. It frustrates me so much. This hits close to home for me because I care a lot about my younger sister, who doesn't feel the same back and is very selfish in her actions. We are Sam and Dean minus all the cool stuff. I relate to the value Dean places on family. I also value it. What it should mean, at least. And that is the whole basis of it. They would have never been able to survive all the things they have if they weren't able to rely on each other. I don't know why Sam acts like Dean Yeah, Dean doesn't want to be alone. He doesn't want to lose his brother. That's NOT selfish. Sam isn't suffering. Sam is fine. He's just being stubborn. And for Sam to say they're not doing more good than bad is CRAZY. They most definitely are. They world would be run by Leviathans if it weren't for them. They are doing good. So his arguments just anger me.

*END SAM RANT #2*

Anyway, those are my general reactions for the episode. Feel free to share yours in the comments. I LOVE a good supernatural discussion. Or leave your tumblr/twitter links and we can share on there.

January Favorites

This is a companion post to my youtube video on my January Favorites. The video can be seen here:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoRDDbLOe9k

The products and links are listed below. Some of them seem to be hard to find. Of course, I would pick things that will be difficult to replace LOL.

Nicole by OPI Selena Gomez collection in love song


http://www.drugstore.com/opi-nicole-by-opi-selena-gomez-nail-lacquer-love-song/qxp471136?catid=196092

A pretty medium purple color that stays on great! Put a few coats on, as it's in between sheer and opaque. It grew out before it chipped. That's a winner in my book

Sephora by OPI in tempted by teal


http://www.amazon.com/SEPHORA-OPI-Nail-Colour-Tempted/dp/B005ASSIQA

The picture doesn't do it justice. It is a dark teal that has a shimmery golden color throughout it. It's SO pretty and hits the light just right. It reminds me of what a mermaid would wear if mermaids wore nail polish.

L'oreal brow powderist



http://www.amazon.com/LOreal-Paris-Powderist-Redefining-Powder/dp/B00CQB3KNA

This is a super easy to use and awesome product. I fill my brows in with the darker color and an angled eyeliner brush and set it with a clear eyebrow gel. It makes a big difference and frames your face.

Rimmel Scandaleyes Lycra Flex Mascara



http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?productId=xlsImpprod4490017

This mascara is super easy to use. And it doesn't clump, which is a must to me. It makes your lashes look dramatic and dark, but not too much. You can definitely wear it on a daily basis.

Maybelline Baby Lips in Twinkle



This apparently was a special edition color so it's really hard to find (and pretty much only available online for a super crazy price), but it's just a peachy lip balm. I just use it under other colors, so really any balm would work!

Covergirl nature luxe gloss balm in grenache



http://www.amazon.com/Covergirl-Natureluxe-Gloss-Grenache-0-067-Ounce/dp/B0043TZO5A

This can be a little drying, so I use a balm under it and dap it on instead of rubbing. It's a pretty nudey color which makes my lips look natural instead of pale! I'm so pale my lips are pale LOL

APP- QUIZ UP

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/quizup-biggest-trivia-game/id718421443?mt=8

This app is REALLLLLY fun and super addictive. Get it on the itunes store!

PERSONALIZED PLAYING CARDS

http://www.artscow.com/photo-gifts/Playing-Cards

I got these at the website above. Look out for deals, as I was able to get them for super inexpensive.